td_dvinh_niulai

Khế Iêm
NÍU LẠI

trút hơi           thở
                  và ngồi duỗi ra
vào một nơi tưởng là đã tay trắng
            khom

            lưng          bất động như thế cho đến khi giọt
            chuông chiều kia làm tan đi người và      vật
            kiến tạo im ắng mà lâu nay                       bị
            che lấp bởi cánh liếp của                   lời kinh

rảo bước ngoài mặt
đất và nhận ra có tiếng kêu

níu lại ở đầu ghềnh

LINGERING

pour out            breaths
                 and sit stretched
into a place empty-handed
            bend

            back                      motionless as such until a drop
            of afternoon bell dissolves the self and        objects
            that are created lie silent as in the past         being
            covered up by the lattice wings of             prayers

pacing on the face of
the earth and acknowledging a call

lingering at the head of the whirlpool

Translated by DoVinh - Edited by Dr. Carol Compton

Comments

1/ What a stunning, soul lifting, Rumi-like poem. The translation across seems to work very well. Look forward to reading more. :) – Blissbuddha (poetry.about.com)

2/ Hey Khe.lem,
Another gem you've posted here. This is breathtaking. – Deb (poetry.about.com)

3/ Beautiful beautiful poem. I loved "lattice wings of prayers". This style reminds me of Cummings w/ the spacing. It works well with this poem. Good job – Jules (poetry.about.com).

4/ well, now this one is quite interesting – it feels like a meditation, where controlled breaths allow different levels of awareness to rise and then fall as the connection with place and time is lost until this meditative state is interrupted by the sound of a bell and spoken prayers... a very enjoyable description... – Michael Firewalker (PoetryCircle.com)

5/ "lingering at the head of a whirlpool" How delish. Some poet (can't remember who), once described the creative process as akin to a whirling fist but the above could also be a great image for this. – Eric Ashford (PoetryCircle.com)

6/ Hi khe Iem,
I am honored to be the first to comment on this poem. But the only problem is, I am far from worthy to offer any critical advice on it. Only to say that it was sublime. – TC
Jim (criticalpoet.com)

7/ I like this portrait of a mental state a lot! “a drop of afternoon bell” I heard it and it dissolved consciousness for a breath span. – Rick Stansberger

8/ Hi, Khe. I really like this poem. It has some excellent lines. Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth

LINGERING

by Khe Iem

pour out breaths
and sit stretched
into a place empty-handed
bend

back motionless as such until a drop

I'm really liking the pairing of words throughout here...but the white-space you've created, the long linear tabs, are taking away from the poem (at least for me). What would happen if you simply left it all together as a whole?

of afternoon bell dissolves the self and objects
that are created lie silent as in the past being
covered up by the lattice wings of   prayers

Same thoughts through here... "Lattice wings of prayers" is magnificent.

pacing on the face of
the earth and acknowledging a call

lingering at the head of the whirlpool

So much in this last line! I love it! Otherwise, same comment as above.

translated by DoVinh, edited by Carol Compton

Enjoyed this very much! – Dfarina

You're right, Khe Iem. The poem itself is very still, very quiet. The white space definitely serves to underscore the mood you’ve created. It's probably just me, I think, that finds them more jarring than restful. Enjoyed the poem and the unique evocation very much. – df

9/ Describing it as a meditation is apt. I like it very much, actually; hard to believe this was translated, which is really difficult to get right. – Oleksa

10/ Khe Iem,
I see this is a translation. I can't imagine translating anybody's poem. There are many moments I like here but the format is distracting for me, personally. It makes it hard for me to get the connectedness of the thoughts. Probably not what you hoped for but, just so you know, I am sort of traditional in my taste, so this could be "just me." I would like to see this poem reformatted if you would ever care to do so.
Best,
Margot
Hi,Thank you.
Your response makes perfect sense when I look at the poem now.
Sincerely,
Margot
Last modified on 09/04/2007 – 10:00 AM © 2004 – 2007 www.thotanhinhthuc.org.
MUCLUC


	NÍU LẠI Thơ dịch
	Khế Iêm NÍU LẠI trút hơi thở và ngồi duỗi ra vào một nơi tưởng là đã tay trắng khom lưng bất động như thế cho đến khi giọt chuông chiều kia làm tan đi người và vật kiến tạo im ắng mà lâu nay bị che lấp bởi cánh liếp của lời kinh rảo bước ngoài mặt đất và nhận ra có tiếng kêu níu lại ở đầu ghềnh LINGERING pour out breaths and sit stretched into a place empty-handed bend back motionless as such until a drop of afternoon bell dissolves the self and objects that are created lie silent as in the past being covered up by the lattice wings of prayers pacing on the face of the earth and acknowledging a call lingering at the head of the whirlpool Translated by DoVinh - Edited by Dr. Carol Compton Comments 1/ What a stunning, soul lifting, Rumi-like poem. The translation across seems to work very well. Look forward to reading more. :) – Blissbuddha (poetry.about.com) 2/ Hey Khe.lem, Another gem you've posted here. This is breathtaking. – Deb (poetry.about.com) 3/ Beautiful beautiful poem. I loved "lattice wings of prayers". This style reminds me of Cummings w/ the spacing. It works well with this poem. Good job – Jules (poetry.about.com). 4/ well, now this one is quite interesting – it feels like a meditation, where controlled breaths allow different levels of awareness to rise and then fall as the connection with place and time is lost until this meditative state is interrupted by the sound of a bell and spoken prayers... a very enjoyable description... – Michael Firewalker (PoetryCircle.com) 5/ "lingering at the head of a whirlpool" How delish. Some poet (can't remember who), once described the creative process as akin to a whirling fist but the above could also be a great image for this. – Eric Ashford (PoetryCircle.com) 6/ Hi khe Iem, I am honored to be the first to comment on this poem. But the only problem is, I am far from worthy to offer any critical advice on it. Only to say that it was sublime. – TC Jim (criticalpoet.com) 7/ I like this portrait of a mental state a lot! “a drop of afternoon bell” I heard it and it dissolved consciousness for a breath span. – Rick Stansberger 8/ Hi, Khe. I really like this poem. It has some excellent lines. Here's my thoughts, for what they're worth LINGERING by Khe Iem pour out breaths and sit stretched into a place empty-handed bend back motionless as such until a drop I'm really liking the pairing of words throughout here...but the white-space you've created, the long linear tabs, are taking away from the poem (at least for me). What would happen if you simply left it all together as a whole? of afternoon bell dissolves the self and objects that are created lie silent as in the past being covered up by the lattice wings of prayers Same thoughts through here... "Lattice wings of prayers" is magnificent. pacing on the face of the earth and acknowledging a call lingering at the head of the whirlpool So much in this last line! I love it! Otherwise, same comment as above. translated by DoVinh, edited by Carol Compton Enjoyed this very much! – Dfarina You're right, Khe Iem. The poem itself is very still, very quiet. The white space definitely serves to underscore the mood you’ve created. It's probably just me, I think, that finds them more jarring than restful. Enjoyed the poem and the unique evocation very much. – df 9/ Describing it as a meditation is apt. I like it very much, actually; hard to believe this was translated, which is really difficult to get right. – Oleksa 10/ Khe Iem, I see this is a translation. I can't imagine translating anybody's poem. There are many moments I like here but the format is distracting for me, personally. It makes it hard for me to get the connectedness of the thoughts. Probably not what you hoped for but, just so you know, I am sort of traditional in my taste, so this could be "just me." I would like to see this poem reformatted if you would ever care to do so. Best, Margot Hi,Thank you. Your response makes perfect sense when I look at the poem now. Sincerely, Margot Last modified on 09/04/2007 – 10:00 AM © 2004 – 2007 www.thotanhinhthuc.org. MUCLUC